Throughout the years of my Mistress-hood, clients have repeatedly asked me: What is an actual lifestyle BDSM relationship? Some have asked out of curiosity, while others wondered if their sessions with me are the first steps toward leading a more full-time kinky life. For those who know me, I practice kink both in my professional and personal life, as it is who I am at the core.
But what if, my gentle readers, I can share with you a glimpse into the world of a lifestyle BDSM couple. UK-based Mistress K and her Slave D is an entrepreneurial dynamic duo that owns HouseOfDenial.com, a site dedicated to providing high-quality chastity devices to their clients around the world. We met via Zoom during this pandemic and I just couldn’t help picking their brain in the form of an interview.
Lethally charming, unabashedly silly, intellectually engaging, and just wholesomely perverted, Mistress K and Slave D are exactly the kind of kinksters who can offer what everyday BDSM should really be founded upon: realistic expectations, communication, self knowledge, growth, and mutual respect. Unsurprisingly, these are the age-old ingredients for any healthy relationship.
Mistress K & Slave D have been a kinky couple for well over a decade, their bond is palpable even through the Zoom screen. We all know that it is difficult enough to find one’s other half in a world of 7 billion people. Dating within the world of BDSM can be even more challenging due to that of a much smaller pool. This is further complicated by having to establish basic chemistry even before finding common ground in one’s cerebrally-charged sexuality (of which everyone houses a different interpretation). A dear friend of mine has once likened it to finding a unicorn. BUT, when I witness a beautifully evolved BDSM relationship like that of K & D’s, shaped by years of hard work and mutual growth, it can be similar to finally catching sight of an unicorn or a pleasant telemarketer.
For all of you who are staying at home, I hope you will find this interview illuminating, hilarious, and—for those who are searching for their kinky partner in crime—instructive.
I must give my humblest thanks to Mistress K and Slave D for sharing such a personal snapshot of their lives together. And so, without further ado...
1) How did you evolve into a lifestyle kinkster and entrepreneur?
It’s interesting to reflect on “evolving” into a lifestyle kinkster - evolving makes me think of being a starter Pokemon; Kaychu gathering enough kinkster points to level into Mistressaur but as with actual evolution (instead of my weird little mind fantasies like J.D from Scrubs), it was more organic than that.
As I grew up, I knew I’d always had an interest in kink - I blame seeing Lucy Lawless in leather at a formative age. For years I thought it was just the ~aesthetic~ of the scene - high shine latex and patent boots linking to my love of dark Gothic fashion - delicate dark lace with rich velvet and tight corsets. But being a bit of a strange, intellectual little girl, I lived more in books (or on fanfiction.net) than I did in actually exploring my sexuality with anyone else.
Whilst I was pretty self-assured in my sexuality, I was quite sexually neutral until my early twenties when Slave D and I met. As we moved through our relationship, we mutually explored kink joyously together - things we were interested in, things we’d seen in porn, the things we had been afraid to talk about before. As with all things, there were some huge wins, some losses -- kinks we intellectually loved but physically did little for us.
Slave D was already an entrepreneur when I met him, and was always keen to diversify his portfolio so our kink life became an opportunity for us to explore through work. We started with some basic items - gags and rope mostly but our suppliers recommended some chastity devices to us. This was a kink that Slave D had a particular interest in but we found it difficult to find reasonably priced items that we didn’t have to import from America, so we bought a few and things pretty much spiraled from there!
2) What are your core values when it comes to practicing kink?
Our core values for kink are the same as our relationship values, honestly. I believe that’s part of the reason why it works well for us - there’s not the need to shift gear into a kink mindset. We both understand from where we’re starting.
Don’t be a dick. No shaming - this can be the most tender and vulnerable part of a person, so why would you do something to harm them?
Open and honest communication - if something’s not working or you’re about to get a cramp or you can see the cat has just wandered in and it has put you off your stroke, just say something.
Have fun. This is an interesting one because it took me (and still does take me) a lot of mental energy to get out of my own head. I am, by my nature, more of a “soft domme” - caring and giving pleasure is more my speed than being a corporal domme. “Wholesome kink” as a friend of mine puts it. So I find it hard to “let go” when I’m running a scene or focusing on my pleasure - I blame the Roman Catholic upbringing. Luckily Slave D has always been extremely encouraging and very much enjoys being used for my pleasure.
Debrief. Always. Slave D finds this an extremely hard chore after an orgasm when his primary purpose is pizza and a nap but we always chat through a scene afterwards. Even if it’s just a few basic check-in questions - was it all good, any feedback, how did this work for you etc etc.
3) To what extent does D/s apply to your life together?
It comes in cycles, I would say. It’s interesting answering this question during times of global turmoil and a pandemic has been its own kind of mental chastity! Also, apparently pandemics have made people Very Horny (is this the Freudian theory of Eros and Thanatos in action? Who’s to say) so the House of Denial has been extremely busy since Covid-19 made an emergence in the Western World.
We’re not a 24/7 couple and we’re not a High Protocol couple - we tried it once and it just wasn’t our cup of tea.
We try to ensure we balance our desires for D/s with where the other person is, but it’s an interesting one to navigate when you run a kink business and the majority of your friends are kink or kink-adjacent. When work is particularly busy, sex and kink can be the last things on our mind - as evidenced when one shows another filthy Twitter clips or gorgeous kink photography and the response is “ah, isn’t that nice?” As if we were commenting on the weather.
Equilibrium between running the business, being a couple, being individual beings, maintaining our health and relationships and work has always been hard-fought for within our partnership - I imagine that’s particularly common for most relationships honestly!
D/s also gives us a way for Slave D to stop being Himself for a period of time, a framework for him to safely come out of his own head and it allows me to re-empower myself and remind myself of being a dominant, powerful being. I think these are things that we can forget when we exist in our busy lives, and are caught up in all the other consistent streams of work-dinner-socialising-bill paying-feeding the cat-remembering to call your family. So it reminds us to thrive in our own lives, not just be swept away.
4) How does D/s benefit your dynamic as a couple? What are some challenges? And how do you resolve conflicts given this element in your lifestyle?
I’ve touched briefly on why D/s benefits our dynamic in our discussion earlier but another reason it benefits us is because of who we are as people and as a couple. When Slave D and I got together, our relationship was marked by a lot of fluidity in our sexual explorations - we both identified as Switches during that time and so sometimes we would Switch mid-play in a very playful way.
We’re also quite dominant people in our “ordinary” lives - we call each other out on our bullshit a lot and have a relationship characterised by challenge. That sounds like it can be quite intense - and it can be - but it has also pushed both of us to work on being better people. Through D/s, it allowed me to express my desires in a controlled environment (therefore allowing me to take the confidence from these experiences into other environments like the workplace) but also to crystallise what my desires are about in all aspects of my life.
The challenges for that are also what comes with having two dominant personalities in a relationship (even if our kink dynamic means that I am the Dominant) - it’s navigating those times when softer approaches are needed. It can also mean mental exhaustion on my part as being ‘On’ in the workplace and then On in a play space can mean that I have to be mindful of other ways to decompress - mostly it’s through trashy or fluff TV, sleep and Animal Crossing currently!
Resolving conflicts is a constant learning process but it goes back to the core values of our relationship. Open and honest communication is the heart and bedrock of the whole process - but also about ensuring that those conversations are approached with compassion and the right attitude. I’m sure we’ve all had those experiences where we’ve been annoyed by a thousand tiny things and when a fight starts, suddenly you’re yelling about how they never throw rotting food out of the fridge.
Approaching a conflict when you’re both calm and have time to talk it through rationally is huge - even if the conflict isn’t immediately resolved. Being able to assert your frustrations in this kind of way means that you feel valued and heard, which is core to the ongoing health of any relationship.
5) Have you learned something new/unexpected about yourselves since the dawn of your relationship?
I’m really interested to see what Slave D says about this question! Being together for over a decade means that the amount I’ve learnt about myself, and him, and what a relationship can mean is huge. Slave D was my first long term relationship so I experienced a lot of “firsts” with him. Without writing a thesis on all the development of the last decade, I think the biggest things I’ve learnt are:
How not to be ashamed of my desires and what I find arousing. Unlearning this is a constant process, but removing shame was a huge thing.
How to be fully accepting of my sexuality. I am bisexual and through exploring my sexuality, and reading and learning from others, it has made me realise how important it is to be proud and open about yourself.
How to reflect and analyse. I was always introspective, but it has made me examine my previous actions or those of others and also get to the heart of an issue. What does this have to do with kink, I hear you say? This means that I’ve become pretty adept at reading what people aren’t saying or the importance of the way they’re expressing themselves. That can make for hugely important conversations especially regarding play.
6) Your website, HouseOfDenial.com, sells quality chastity devices to clients worldwide. Can you tell me more about how you entered this particular niche?
Over to you on this, Slave D! Touched on this in an earlier question.
Slave D: It all started years ago when I noticed a chastity device locked to a slave in a Femdom porn clip. I didn’t immediately understand why you’d want to lock your junk up as an orgasm is, well, pretty awesome! After seeing chastity cages used more and more in porn it started to intrigue me, so when it came up that one of our kink toy suppliers stocked them I decided to buy one to test it out.
When it arrived Mistress K and I had a conversation about it and I mentioned that it was something I’d like to try. Our first device was a simple plastic cage and after our first play session with me locked in it I was hooked. It added a new level of submission and restraint that I didn’t know was missing before that moment.
The selection available from our suppliers at that time was incredibly limited, so I started to look for other chastity cages sold by retailers both locally and online. Everything that I found was really expensive and my thought was that it would likely put off people like ourselves looking to experiment with this kink as novices or first timers, so we set out to change that.
We contacted a number of manufacturers and had a few designs produced. The business started on eBay as it was a marketplace I was familiar with, but after a short time we created our own website, HouseOfDenial.com, and from day one we wanted to offer a more personal experience than those offered by larger retailers. We write all of the product descriptions ourselves and I take the photographs of the cages myself. When time permits, we also write blog posts, stories and reviews relating to the chastity cages that we sell and the play sessions that we have together.
The website has grown exponentially since we launched back in 2017 and it’s so rewarding when we get messages from individuals or couples who thank us for helping them try chastity for the first time and for an accessible price point, which is exactly the goal we set out to do.
7) Why do you think some men crave to be locked in chastity?
Mistress K: I think there are a lot of reasons why men crave chastity - I’m always fascinated when people talk to us about how they got into chastity, so this is by no means an exhaustive or even a fully comprehensive list!
However from my perspective, the reason that men crave chastity is the same reason that many enjoy being dominated. It gives them the chance to stop and to not be the primary energy in a space. I’ve found that because of the pressure upon men in society to not be able to express themselves in an “acceptable” way (such as through traditionally aggressive emotions like rage), this leads them to seek other means of release.
Submission is one means of release - it unburdens them for the time of the scene and allows them to become passive in the play (if that’s the way the scene is orchestrated), they can almost be dehumanised to be an object or vessel for pain or pleasure. With chastity, this can take that to a further level by removing them as being a recipient of traditional pleasure.
So by locking the member away, it gives the man space to compartmentalise his own arousal - or to take the urgency away from the immediate desire for release. So by removing that prominent desire, they can entirely give themselves over to their Dominant or partner.
I think that’s one reason why men crave chastity - but I’d love to hear other people’s views on it!
Slave D: As Mistress K has mentioned, I particularly like chastity as it helps to focus my attention on her and gets me out of my own head for a period of time. That feeling of being controlled and dominated is very cathartic and enables me to relax, which hugely enhances our play sessions. This is just one of the many reasons that our friends and customers enjoy chastity.
We’ve had numerous couples through our years in the chastity business email us to say thank you for helping to reignite the passion in their relationship, which to some might sound odd. How does locking a cock in a cage help a relationship, you might ask. Well, in my case chastity focuses my mind in the moment of a play session. For couples it can help to build or rebuild desire and attention towards your partner. This can be in a sexual sense or generally in your life together. If they hold the key to your orgasms, you tend to become much more attentive and considerate of their pleasure and happiness.
Some people really like the aesthetic of seeing themselves or their play partners wearing a chastity cage and sissies buy cute pink cages to hide their penis. We’ve also had wives message us to buy a cage for their husband due to infidelity and wanting to lock their cock to make sure they don’t have the opportunity to cheat on them.
8) If you can give some core advice to a new D/s couple, what would it be?
Talk to each other - if you’re not mature enough to discuss what you enjoy, then how are you going to enjoy playing with each other?
If you’re not sure what you’re into - find an online checklist and do it together. Some are Extensive - like 6 pages long - but you can start by seeing where you both share common desires.
Also, this applies for the reverse. If there are things that are Hard Limits for you - be clear about them. If they’re linked to a trauma or experience that you’re not ready to discuss (or don’t want to mention), then that’s fine but a simple “I’m not into breathplay, it’s really not something I like” means establishing your boundaries. A second aside to this - do not say you have no hard limits. That is blatantly not true, and it doesn’t make you look any less of a sub or Dom or sadist or masochist for having some.
Also, try to unlearn porn! It’s not always going to be perfect. Someone is going to cramp right in the middle of a Crucial Moment or wobble in their heels or find that lubey-sex-noises are really funny. That’s fine and normal and actually a lot of fun. Some of the most memorable times during which I’ve played or had sex have been when there has been laughter involved.
9) What are some of your favorite forms of play, and why?
If I don’t mention chastity play here, that will be remiss of me, wouldn’t it? Let’s take that one as read.
Personally I enjoy task-based play items - counting during flogging and things of that nature. Also a lot of my favourite things come down to talking dirty - I love the response that I get from Slave D during play, particularly if I’m focusing on tease and denial. I also love strap-on play. I love pegging, I love a man being on his knees for me and begging for my cock, it makes me feel so powerful.
Restraints are also a lot of fun for me - I’m not particularly good at shibari but it’s something fun to practice.
10) Lastly, how big/open is the BDSM scene in the UK?
The BDSM scene in the UK is of a reasonable size I would say - we’ve not been to every event out there, but we’ve been to some of the larger ones within our region and attended some delightful Femdom ones such as Pedestal in London. We also helped out with the running of an event in our local area.
We’ve been extremely lucky to have formed lifelong friendships through the BDSM scene in our city and those relationships have changed us for the better. Whilst all cities and events can have their difficulties - and within BDSM there are some extremely important sensitivities to be mindful of - we’ve encountered some of the most ferociously talented, intelligent and inspiring people through the UK scene.