....But it’s a deep, dark secret I’ve been hiding from her.
Full disclosure: I have kinky fantasies, secret desires and for the past 2 years I’ve been exploring this side of myself with a professional dominatrix (yes, she has a whip and sometimes wears a catsuit). I’m embarrassed to tell my wife because she might think I’m a perverted weirdo, and I don’t want her to freak out and leave me.
This is what I wish I could tell her:
I love you.
We’ve been happily married for years. Best friends, lovers and life partners, I love you as much today as I did when we first met. Seriously. In a way, I love you MORE than when we were young and falling in love because we’ve shared a life that brought us closer than we ever imagined when we were in the courtship phase. Children, challenges--it has been a real marriage. You know it hasn’t been a fairy tale, but we’ve been in it for the long haul. And I’m still very turned on by you, and I want to make love to you and have as much hot married sex (as we can find time for).
Before getting to the part about my seeing a professional dominatrix for the past two years, here’s something you might remember about my kinky side:
There was that one time before we got married when I half joked about having you “tie me up” and we laughed but then you did tie me up and we both got turned on and had that amazing afternoon together... I always remembered that, and I probably should have told you back then that I wanted to do it again with you, but I was embarrassed. I realized soon after that I got turned on by something that some people label as “kink” and I didn’t know how to put it into words I thought you could understand or accept, or maybe I didn’t want to hang that label on myself.
I liked you and wanted you to like me back. I wanted you to see me at my best. We were just beginning to know each other sexually, and I was afraid you would think I was strange if I asked you to do that again. Or try other things. So I allowed myself to forget about it.
What happened is: Last year when you and I went through that difficult time, I found myself indulging some old, unfulfilled fantasies. And then I did some googling... And I soon ended up at the website of a professional dominatrix who was visiting our city. I admit: Her website made me excited. She was unabashedly kinky. And she seemed like somebody who could help me explore some things I hadn’t thought about since years before.
I knew I was crossing over a line. And I should have told you about it in advance. But I was embarrassed and ashamed to admit to you that this was something that had been part of my sexual psyche for as long as I could remember. I wasn’t looking for a sexual partner. I didn’t want to cheat. I wasn’t going to call an escort or have an affair on a business trip. I was committed to you and to our marriage, but I wanted to explore a side of myself that I came to realize had always been a part of me for many years.
I know this is a longer conversation that you and I are going to have if you will give me a chance to open up to you as much as I want to. Please give me that chance.
One more thing. In case this is a concern that you might have:
I’m not having a love affair with her, and I’m not having sex with her. If you look at her website you’ll see in all caps “ABSOLUTELY NO SEX. DO NOT ASK!” and that was one of the things that made me feel safe about calling her. She really is a “professional” in the best sense of the word. She is, for me, a therapist who has been helping me look at parts of my innermost self and encouraging me to understand who I am and what turns me on. She does this without judgment and I’m not embarrassed to tell her things I’ve kept hidden away for a long time. We’ve had four sessions over the past two years. And after each session I feel like I understand myself better and better.
I wish I could open up to you in the same way I have opened up to this professional dominatrix and worship you as my goddess, explore kinky fetishes with you and be all of who I am with you so you can see me for who I am and understand that my wanting to be submissive does not make me less of a man. I want to play in ways that are uninhibited, silly, imaginative and be completely “free” with you. But I don’t want to risk what we have built together by telling you my secret, although of course I know I AM risking what we have built together by seeing a dominatrix. But I guess this is my selfish way of having it both ways: keeping my family and indulging in my lifelong fantasies. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but sometimes I feel that if I don’t explore this then I am not being “true to myself”.
I wish I could ask you to join me in a session with her. She has worked with many couples and I think you would actually enjoy seeing up close for yourself what she does. I really believe it would be an experience that helps our relationship.
Until now I’ve been afraid to tell you about this side of myself. I feel so relieved to finally open up to you. Please forgive me for keeping this a secret.
I love you more than anyone or anything, and I want to bear my soul to you and hope you will accept me, understand me, and still love me.
*****
This was written by My slave j who has served Me periodically for the last two years. The idea of writing a "confession letter" to his beloved wife sprung from a conversation we were having about him balancing his family life and his secret life as a submissive. It was j's idea to write this letter for Me to publish as a way for him to release his complicated emotions and by doing so he hopes that it will resonate with other submissive men who are also in a 'one-way' marriage/relationship. At this time j has not yet made the decision to share these words with his wife, he very much wanted to express his innermost thoughts and feelings with the hope that other secretly submissive men will identify with him, find relief and comfort in his words, and perhaps--just perhaps--show this to their wives/girlfriends and begin a journey of mutual acceptance and trust.