My dear readers, it is my pleasure to publish my latest interview with “The Cuckold Consultant”, an expert on advising men on how to create satisfying, exciting relationships of sweet betrayal and exquisite jealousy with their wives/girlfriends. I have written but one essay about the mind of the cuckold submissive, and I must admit that it barely scratched the surface of this richly complex form of psychological masochism. Surprised and humbled I was that Dr. 36, whose Cuckold Consulting website aims to unlock the secret to persuading women to enjoy a sexually fulfilling cuckold relationship with their men, found my article (and my website) intriguing enough to interview me for his Articles page (visit here to read the interview). I, being the curious cat that I am, could not resist the temptation to interview him in kind to pick his brain.
Dr. 36 demonstrated exceptional depth in his understanding of human psychology, weaving elements of both the male and female brain to explain cuckoldry as a sexual and evolutionary force. Combining universal persuasion techniques and years of experience as a fulfilled cuckold himself, Dr. 36 built his practice so as to help men achieve the relationship model of their dreams. I was enthralled to engage with him and learn from him, thus expanding my own knowledge and fascination.
Cuckoldry is that unique D/s relationship that requires an immense amount of trust and vulnerability to openly explore fear and jealousy—and we all know emotions are the most dangerous toys in BDSM. How does one explore this safely with a loved one without causing harm to the relationship? How does one even introduce this topic to one’s partner? Why is this so pleasurable? How can a man wish to see his woman with another man? With thoughtfulness, erudition, and a razor-sharp mind, Dr. 36 answers those questions below (well, as much as he can spare without giving it all away!).
1) In your words, what exactly is a cuckold? And can this term be applied to women as well as men? Can women experience cuckold fantasies whereby their male partners sleep with other females or is "cuckolding" a uniquely male fantasy in heterosexual relationships, and do gay and lesbian couples experience this fantasy?
If it weren’t for the prepositional qualifier preceding the heart of the question itself, my answer to that question would have multiple parts. What I mean by that is the original meaning the word cuckold had is different than the meaning the word has taken on over the years. And although I am aware of and respect the different meanings it has had (and still has), the way I choose to define it is as follows: a cuckold is a submissive man (or a man with a submissive side) who derives masochistic, erotic pleasure from his female partner having sex with another man. This definition has three key components. Let’s briefly break them down:
1) A cuckold is a submissive man (or man with a submissive side)…
a. You’ll notice that this definition requires a cuckold to be a man. That is not because women can’t have a reciprocal desire, but rather because women with a reciprocal desire have a different name. We’ll get to that shortly.
b. The “submissive” qualifier is necessary for two reasons.
i. The first is that it helps clarify the fact that some men identify as inherently submissive by nature, and other men simply have only a part of who they are that can be or are submissive. (The notion of parts is very important when it comes to human natures/identity; our true “identity” is composed of different parts of ourselves.)
ii. The second reason for this qualifier is that it helps differentiate cuckolds from men who identify more as stags or hotwife husbands and who don’t consider themselves submissive in any way, but are still capable of deriving pleasure from their wives sleeping with another man. You can read more about the distinction between stags/hotwife husbands and cuckolds in the article I wrote here.
2) …who derives masochistic, erotic pleasure…
a. The erotic pleasure a cuckold gets has some element of masochism to it, but when I use the word masochism, I don’t necessarily mean he wants to be tied up and have physical pain inflicted upon him. Rather, the masochistic quality/element that infuses a cuckold’s erotic pleasure is more along the lines of the masochism you talk about in one of your articles and can encompass many other auxiliary feelings (i.e. shame, humiliation, etc.)
b. This component also implies that the man is aware of his wife’s infidelity; if he were not aware of it, he could not derive pleasure from it, and therefore would no longer be considered a cuckold as per this definition
3) …from his female partner having sex with another man.
a. Notice this doesn’t require that a woman be married for her to “cuckold” her male partner.
b. The line between officially being able to call oneself a “cuckold” without having any qualifiers (i.e. partial, emotional, wannabe, gay, etc.) is drawn at sexual intercourse. If a man’s female partner has a sexual encounter with another man but this sexual encounter does not include sexual intercourse, he would not be a full-fledged “cuckold” according to this definition.
i. This criterion precludes a man being a cuckold if his female partner has slept with another woman.
c. Males cannot have sex with other males in the “vaginal intercourse” sense of the definition of sex, and therefore according to this definition wouldn’t be considered “cuckolds” in the same sense as men whose female partners have sex with other men. Rather, the qualifier “gay” would be prepended onto the word cuckold just like the words “wannabe” or “emotional” would need to be prepended onto the word cuckold if certain parameters of the above definition were not met. I will address this in more detail shortly.
Now that we’ve taken a deeper dive into the three components of my definition of the word “cuckold”, it should also be noted that this definition makes no remarks about whether or not a man needs to be a willing and encouraging participant in his wife’s infidelity in order to be considered a cuckold. I am making it a point to say this because there are some in the community who would maintain that if a man encourages his female partner to sleep with other men, he is a wittol and not a cuckold. Although I am not disputing the differences in the historical/traditional definitions of the words cuckold and wittol, I currently do not see these differences as relevant enough to warrant the promotion or use of two separate words (such as I do with stags vs. cuckolds) for reasons that have to do with the relationship I believe definitions should have with contemporary connotations and sentiments.
Now onto the next part of the question, which asked if women experience “cuckold fantasies” whereby their male partners sleep with other female partners. I mentioned previously that it is indeed possible for women to have fantasies whereby their male partners sleep with other females, but there is a different word used to describe these females. The word that has been coined to do such is cuckquean. Going into a deeper elaboration of cuckqueaning is beyond the scope of this question and perhaps one for another time.
Now onto the last part of the question: do gay and lesbian couples experience this fantasy? A new study on cuckolding fantasies by David Ley, Justin Lehmiller and writer Dan Savage reveals that gay men do indeed have these fantasies. However, gay men’s fantasies involve voyeurism and group sex more often whereas for heterosexual couples the fantasy more frequently involves interracial and BDSM elements. I unfortunately can’t comment more on how this fantasy works for gay couples though because I don’t have any direct experience in that area. I also cannot comment on any type of lesbian cuckolding fantasies other than saying I would bet a lot on the fact that there are women out there who have these types of fantasies—there just hasn’t been any research into it yet as far as I know.
2) How did you come to specialize in cuckold consulting?
Like many other men out there, I was having a lot of difficulty trying to convince my wife at the time to be open to the idea of having sex with another man. (She actually cried when I first brought the idea up to her.)
She said she didn't understand any of it and that she wasn't interested in "that kind of stuff." She also maintained she only wanted me, she didn't want or need anyone else.
For a short time I thought, "I can live with this not happening. It's just a fantasy after all." But I found myself thinking about the idea of her sleeping with other men more and more. I found the fantasy growing, changing, and becoming more extreme. It was like an addiction at times, honestly.
(One of the silver linings to this was that I had done a lot of learning about the fantasy by reading everything I came across. This would all prove immensely beneficial to me down the road.)
Anyway, I started to worry because deep down, some part of me realized that this fantasy wasn't going away. And as a counselor, I knew the damage repressed desires can do to a relationship. I guess that's why I kept trying here and there to change my wife’s mind.
Everything I tried though just made her more angry and upset. She said it would be cheating, accused me of wanting to sleep with other women, and just wasn't open to anything I had to say in return.
That's when I started feeling hopeless, helpless even because there was nothing to indicate that she would ever be open to this. I thought maybe my wife would just never be one of "those women", or maybe I wouldn't be one of those "lucky guys".
But see, the internet was (and is) filled with stories of guys who successfully turned their wives into hotwives, so a part of me thought maybe I was doing something wrong and just didn't know what it was.
So, I started reaching out to every guy I came across who had been successful in getting his wife to sleep with other men. (Perhaps that was a bit intrusive looking back on it, but I was a man on a mission.) During this, I discovered something important; I discovered that all these regular guys who were actually successful in getting their fantasies to happen faced a tremendous amount of resistance from their wives in the beginning.
For some guys, their wife’s resistance lasted weeks. For others, it lasted years. No matter how long it lasted though, almost every wife of every cuckold and hotwife husband out there initially wasn't open to the fantasy.
This was such an important discovery because it meant that at one point, all these guys faced the same resistance I was facing; it meant that if your wife wasn't open to the idea, this was par for the course and you shouldn't just give up.
Perhaps even more important was the implication of all this: it meant I wasn’t doing/saying the right things in the right way for me in my situation. And it turns out there are indeed wrong things you can say and do, and right things you can say and do for your own situation. All these men who were persistent enough to keep trying, they eventually found out what the right things to say and do were.
So it occurred to me that unless I learned what the right and wrong things were for me in my situation, it wouldn't be possible for me to make my fantasy happen.
This is where things get really interesting...
At the time, I just so happened to be lucky enough to have been interviewing world-famous psychologists for an elite expert interview series (on a variety of topics) I was putting together. And that’s’ when I had an idea.
Sitting right in front of me was the opportunity to ask world-leading Psychology experts in persuasion, decision-making, and sex (and other unrelated fields as well) whatever I wanted.
Now to be perfectly clear, I did not ask these professionals how I could convince my wife to sleep with another man. Rather, I asked them specific questions about persuasion, sexual fantasies, and alternative relationship arrangements immediately after the interviews.
And that’s how I learned about a few life-changing psychology, relationship, and influence principles that I wound up being able to apply to finally get my wife willingly on board with the idea of having sex with other men. And oh boy how the flood gates opened.
Anyway, it didn't occur to me just how groundbreaking all of this was until I started sharing what I did with other guys who had started contacting me wanting to know how I finally convinced my wife. I started giving them advice and tips based on what I did, and the guys who actually followed the advice I gave them started getting success too. It was then that I realized I was onto something here.
That’s when I started exploring ways I could take all this and try to “formalize” it. That journey is a story in and of itself, but I would say that kind of answers the question of how I got into all this.
3) Are/were you yourself an actualized cuckold in a fulfilling, satisfying, and healthy cuckold relationship? If so, what made that relationship successful for the both of you?
I’m going to answer that question in the past tense because the current relationship I’m in now doesn’t quite conform to one particular label or dynamic (although we do explore shades of cuckolding from time to time), and the answer is yes, I have been.
It was fulfilling for me in the sense that I was finally able to realize and experience the fulfillment of that desire I had inside me to explore the cuckold fantasy; it was satisfying in the sense that exploring it provided me with some of most intense psycho-sexual and emotional experiences of my life; and it was healthy in the sense that it brought us closer together and made us better versions of ourselves. But…
I feel it’s necessary to say that the ride was anything but smooth at times. This isn’t to say that it was bad, but rather challenging. It challenged our connection, our honesty, our communication skills, our boundaries, our ideas of what love was and is, it challenged us in all kinds of ways. We enjoyed it though, and it was successful for both of us.
Now for the second part of your question: what made it successful for us? Communication, trust, our intimacy bond, our commitment to each other, our enjoyment of the pleasure we derived from exploring it, and our desire to grow both individually and as a couple. In question 7, I get more into some of these things when I answer your question about what some of the most important principles are regarding exploring cuckolding in a healthy and successful way.
4) What is the most erotic aspect of cuckoldry? Where do you suppose does this seemingly counter-intuitive fantasy come from in the male brain? Why do some men of various ages and backgrounds share this sexual fantasy?
Since we’re talking about cuckoldry and not hotwifing, I would have to say the most erotic aspect for the majority of men with an affinity for cuckolding would be what is commonly known as the cuckold angst that stems from not being in control (note: this isn’t mere conjecture but rather based on what people report).
Interestingly enough though, that feeling of angst is actually fairly hard to put into words. It’s like asking what happiness is. Although there are many clever and interesting ways to describe it, there isn’t just one definition or explanation that perfectly encapsulates what happiness actually is. The best you can do is approximate it.
The same challenge exists when it comes to describing angst beyond using synonyms and winding up with a circular or tautological definition. For example, notwithstanding the fact that you’d be right to a certain degree by describing it as the experience of feeling anxious due to not know what might happen or not being in control, that description still isn’t quite sufficient.
Instead of leaving the description of angst completely open-ended though, I’d like to share three of the best ways I’ve come across that do a really great job of indirectly conveying what the experience of cuckold angst is like. The first is from the movie Two For The Money with Al Pacino and Matthew McConaughey. Pacino is talking about the experience of gambling and gambling addiction. Here’s what he says:
“You know, the best part of the best drug in the world isn't the high. It's the moment just before you take it. The dice are dancing on the table. Between now and the time they stop, that's the greatest high in the world.”
Similarly, for a lot of cuckolds (not all but a lot), the best part of the experience isn’t when someone is actually having sex with their female partner; it’s everything leading up to that moment. It’s the texting, talking, and planning she does with her lover, the buying and anticipation of wearing new lingerie (for her lover), getting ready before she goes out for the night, etc. And that angst is amplified even further when you know you don’t have control over what could happen, when you are left waiting to imagine what could happen, what might happen, and eventually, what most likely is happening. That feeling…that’s angst.
The second is a quote I saved from a cuckold forum. The poster was talking about the appeal of cuckolding, and here’s what he said:
“Great works of art are very important and special in our lives because they unsettle us." The same is said with these cuckolding experiences. This is why we want to be cuckolded: because it unsettles us. It shakes up our hum-drum lives. Of course, one has to be sure to be able to take this unsettling. But for the true fan of cuckolding (like myself), being unsettled is far from being a bad thing or a bad experience.
One of course has to answer the following question for oneself: Does one [want to] ‘lead a humdrum and predictable sexual life,’ or, ‘lead a sexual life that is exciting because it is unsettling’?
To return to great works of art—I use this analogy because art is very prized in our Western societies—when I listen to Beethoven or Mahler (etc.) I feel ‘destroyed’ (which is what I want: to be destroyed). Works of art de-familiarize our lives and maybe the universe for us while we are it. They lift us out of our daily drudge.
If this can be lived positively, then it can be a very ecstatic experience, one bordering on the mystical. But, once more, neither great art nor cuckolding are for the faint of heart.”
Notice the words he uses: unsettling/unsettled…being destroyed…de-familiarizing. Experiencing the angst that comes along with being a cuckold grabs a man right by the throat, turns his stomach in knots, and makes him feel an almost intoxicating dizziness in his head. But, he feels. He’s totally present in that moment, feeling everything, feeling something different, something poignant, something new, something real. Feeling angst is the feeling you get when you know that no matter how much you want to do something to control the experience, you deep down know you no longer can, because the dice are already dancing on the table in front of you, so to speak.
The third way is from a cuckold who is recounting the events of what it was like knowing his wife was going out on a date and not going to return that same night. He and his wife are talking while she’s getting dressed and ready to leave. The following is from his accounting of the conversation:
“I need you to know that tonight I’m probably going to spend the night with him,” she said bluntly.
She paused to let that sink in.
“Really?” I said, my voice shaking.
Her voice wasn’t shaking. She was very sweet, but she seemed very sure of herself. Then she added, “Not probably.”
I stopped massaging her feet for a second and nodded silently. I started rubbing her feet again slowly.
“I’m going to cuckold you tonight,” she said.
I suddenly felt a little panicked. I admitted that I was having some second thoughts on the whole thing, and mentioned that maybe we should wait just a little longer.
She looked at me. “Aw, I know. But we talked about this remember?”
As I rubbed her feet, I couldn’t help but picture her thin legs wrapped around his waist, pressing her soft heels into his back as he fucked her.
I sighed and nodded slowly. “But …” I started to say.
“Sweetie,” she said gently. “I’m sorry you’re having second thoughts. But I’m not really asking your permission.”
I gulped.
“This is going to happen,” she said sweetly, yet definitively.
That was the moment I realized that I was no longer in control. That was the moment I realized I was going to be cuckolded for real. And there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.”
Now for the second and third parts of the question: where does this fantasy come from in the male brain and why do men of various ages share this sexual fantasy? Since the question seems to be asking about the origin fantasy in general, that’s how I’ll answer.
Anyone who’s done even a quick Google search on cuckolding can tell you there are quite a few theories out there for why men have cuckolding fantasies. Now, although I think there are aspects of truth and accuracy to many of them, I also think many of them are rubbish. At the end of the day though, I’m a fundamentals kind of guy and so if you really want to explain where this fantasy comes from and why its so appealing to such a huge cross-section of men, then you should look to explain it in the most fundamental way. The way I choose to do that is by using evolutionary psychology and biology. (Note: I’m going to simplify a bit for the sake of brevity, otherwise this this answer would get far too long and complicated.)
We’d all agree that just about every man alive becomes sexually aroused at the site of seeing a man and a woman have sex. However, very few of us have actually stopped to ask, why?
The simple answer is that because men who were biologically wired to respond with sexual arousal at the site of another man and woman having sex would in turn look to have sex with the closest woman he could find (perhaps even that same woman he witnessed having sex). These men would therefore have a higher chance of having their genes passed down the evolutionary chain, if not for the mere fact that they’re going to be having sex more frequently than men who were not wired to respond with sexual arousal at the sight of another man and woman having sex.
Taken a step farther, we need to remember that biology doesn’t discriminate. In other words, it wouldn’t matter if the woman a man saw having sex with another man was “his” own primary partner or if it was a random woman—he would still on some level be sexually aroused. Were this not the case, the odds would be in the favor of the other man passing his genes on since the other man’s sperm would be the only sperm inside the woman. But, if the woman’s primary partner has sex with her after the other man is done, he will be “tossing his hat (sperm)” in the ring and increase the chances of his genes passing on to the next generation.
This can be summed up by saying the majority of men have a wiring inside them which causes them to respond with sexual arousal at the sight of another woman having sex, regardless of whether or not the woman he sees is his primary female partner or not because this discrimination doesn’t exist on the level of biological wiring.
5) You have a Female Led Relationship Assessment test on your site. Is the cuckold male inherently submissive to the cuckoldress or can this lifestyle be fulfilled without the relational structure of Dominance and submission FLR?
Ok so, first I just want to take a moment to echo what I said earlier when defining the word cuckold. Cuckolds can either be submissive men or men with a submissive side. This is an important distinction because it means that not all cuckolds are inherently submissive. Rather, some are choosing to express/play in/relate to/explore/identify with a submissive part of their personality. When applying the “inherent” qualifier to a cuckold’s submission therefore, it’s important to note that this qualifier is true only in so far as the cuckold considers himself to be inherently submissive, as opposed to him not identifying as inherently submissive but rather identifying as someone with submissive tendencies. To be sure, some may still consider such exploration as a form of the cuckold expressing or getting in touch with his “true” or deeper self, but that is only something which can be known by the cuckold himself.
That said, I’ll now answer the question more in line with the original intention behind it. All cuckold relationships, as defined in the way I have laid out earlier, do indeed involve an essential (said: inherent) submission to the cuckoldress. Alternative relationship arrangements whereby the female partner has sex with male(s) other than her primary partner but where there is no relational structure of dominance and submission are not cuckold relationships. Instead, they fall more into the “hotwifing” or “stag and vixen” category.
The type(s) and degree(s) of submission to the cuckoldress are also entirely dependent on the two individuals’ kinks. For example, areas of submission can include sexual, emotional, psychological, financial, corporal, et al. How the couple explores and integrates these areas into their cuckold relationship are up to them.
6) As a cuckold consultant to your clients, what are some of the most important principles by which to explore this lifestyle that allow for healthy exploration? What are some mistakes you have witnessed that were harmful to relationships?
Although the following list of principles isn’t all-inclusive, I consider them some of the most important ones everyone should follow when exploring alternative relationship dynamics.
The first is communication, the quality of which is one of the best measures of the health of any relationship. Every single thing that we can't or won't talk about openly without fear or shame is a crack in the relationship's foundation. The stakes are much higher in a cuckold relationship because not only do you need to communicate openly and directly about your own relationship but you also need to make sure you communicate openly and directly about everything involving exploring the cuckold fantasy.
On a related note regarding this principle is honesty. Both partners need to be honest with themselves and each other. There cannot be healthy communication without honesty, for without honesty, communication is worthless.
The second principle is pacing. By this I mean that couples should understand exploring the cuckold lifestyle is a journey with many steps along the way, one that’s easy to rush into and to want too much too quick (especially for men). If one or both partners push ahead too soon or too quickly, they put themselves and the relationship at risk for all kinds of problems including but not limited to:
· snapback effects– where one partner who had shown a of lot willingness to explore and “progress” suddenly snaps back and becomes hesitant to continue to explore or outright resistant to exploring any further.
· short-circuiting of processing capacities– an overwhelming emotional experience that makes a partner feel lost or conflicted due to experiencing something intense without having had the necessary capacity to process and integrate said experience in a healthy adaptive way.
· drop– originally more of a BDSM term, it’s an emotion-less or detached hangover-like experience where one has feelings similar to depression after having had an intense experience/session; furthermore, they may also not be able to process through the period of drop in a healthy way depending on their current processing capacity.
· emotional dissonance– having inconsistent or conflicting emotions about what happened and what it means.
· feelings confusion– a state of emotional confusion whereby one partner is unable to discern their real feelings about what they did, are doing, or will do.
The third principle is prioritization. By this I mean that couples need to make sure they are not only continuing to put their own relationship first but actively doing things to maintain and strengthen their intimacy bond and love for each other. If this is not done, then the cuckoldress will eventually wind up experiencing emotional dissonance and feelings of confusion. This is to say that her feelings for her primary partner will start to wane simultaneously as she starts feeling stronger and stronger feelings for her secondary partner. This is where many couples wind up struggling and as a result, the relationship becomes at risk for dissolving.
The fourth principle is what I call the Wizard of Oz Principle. By this I mean that the cuckold needs to have an understanding that exploring this fantasy in real life is not how many cuckold stories, blogs, videos and Twitter and Tumblr memes would have you believe it is. If he doesn’t understand this, then the expectations he has of his partner will not match what she does and does not do, thereby creating a mismatch between his ideality and reality. This oftentimes results in frustration for the cuckold and if he does not communicate it in a direct but open and healthy way, it can lead to problems.
The fifth principle is that of having appropriate boundaries. Knowing what you want is only half of being able to navigate this path successfully. You also need to know what you don’t want, and that’s where setting up rules and boundaries comes in. I personally require couples to utilize what I call The Precognitive Method because the ways in which the couple explores the fantasy should always be ways that both of them are consciously choosing. The Precognitive Method also requires that the couple set up what I call “warning boundaries” that shouldn’t be crossed unless they want to open themselves to the possibility of dealing with some challenging and confusing emotional experiences in the future. (Note: this becomes a little tricky when part of the cuckold’s desire is that he is not in control and wants his boundaries to be crossed on some level.)
These principles derive their importance from how easy it is to disregard them, the frequency in which I have seen people disregard them, and the severity of the consequences of disregarding them. Out of respect and confidentiality of people I’ve known who have made mistakes by violating these principles, I will refrain from going into more specific details of the mistakes. Hopefully the above is enough to convey what mistakes I’ve witnessed in a more general sense.
7) You addressed how men make the mistake of using logic and reason to try to persuade their female partners into exploring cuckoldry and that emotional appeal is far more powerful. Can you provide one example in which such an approach can be effective in communicating to women about why cuckoldry can be exciting for them? Also, how does the female sex drive complement a Cuckold lifestyle?
I am just someone who believes, based on observation, experience, research, science, etc. that women, generally speaking, are emotional creatures. Nota Bene 1: this is not to say that women don’t have a logical side to them, nor is it to say that women aren’t capable of logic and reason; it is merely to say that women are driven much more by emotion and operate according to emotional principles as opposed to being driven by and operating according to logic. Nota Bene 2: when I use the word emotional, it doesn’t have any derogatory undertones to it; I am not someone who sees logic as superior emotion, nor do I value logic more than I do emotion. I would say a lot more on all this, but it would be too much of a digression.
Now, when it comes to trying to appeal to people in general, to spark a desire in them for something/to influence them to do something, it’s far more effective to have your approach center around doing so in ways which appeal to the emotional parts of their brains. Why? Because people, generally speaking, don’t make decisions based on logic and reason; they make decisions based on emotion. Esteemed Professor Dr. Dan Ariely (whom I interviewed in a “past life”) talks about this in his book Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions.All this is even more pronounced in women.
This is also the same reason why having your wife read a cuckolding or hotwifing article with the hopes that it’ll get her interested in your fantasy never works. It presupposes that you can ignite a desire in someone by explaining to them why it would be beneficial or exciting for them. Desire doesn’t work this way though. Desire doesn’t originate in the logical part of our brains. You can only explain why someone already enjoys or desires something; you can’t use logic, reason, explanation, or anything that relies heavily on appealing to the logical part of our brains to create a desire inside them to enjoy it. Desire is an emotion, and logic and emotion don’t mix.
The ways men use logic and reason to try and convince their female partners why they would enjoy this fantasy abound. But since the question is about an example of using an emotional appeal, let’s take a look at one. We’ll assume in this example that the female partner already knows about her male partner’s fantasy, but hasn’t really “taken to it” yet. Instead of trying to sell her on the features and benefits of a cuckold/hotwife relationship like a used-car salesmen would do to sell a car (an approach which makes the “buyer” feel uneasy and skeptical because he feels on some level that if the car were really that good, he wouldn’t need to be “sold” on it), he could try something like the following:
“I absolutely love that you have an adventurous side to you, it's one of the things I've always secretly loved most about you. And even though I know the thought of you doing something like this doesn't make sense, I also know that you have a part of you somewhere deep inside that could find aspects of this idea mildly intriguing. After all, we're talking about giving you more sexual pleasure, and giving me sexual pleasure, while exploring something new and adventurous together, and I know those kinds of things resonate with you on some level. And they do with me too. I get it though...it almost doesn't make sense, it seems weird, I get all that. I just also get that it could be fun and exciting to maybe test the waters without getting in all the way and see what we think of going down a road like that."
At first glance, it might not seem like there’s a lot to this, but let’s break part of it down. You’re starting out by making it clear you’re speaking to the adventurous part of her, something which almost all women would admit/acknowledge they have inside them. Women find being adventurous fun, and fun resonates with them.
You’re then doing what’s known as “pacing” some of her concerns. The effect this has is twofold: 1) it will show her that you understand and accept some of her skeptical/aversive/negative feelings to all this which creates a mini intimacy connection and shows her you’re on her side, and 2) it will prevent her from feeling the need to make her skeptical/aversive/negative feelings known to you because she can see you already understand them, which in turn will allow her to listen to you with an open mind instead of just thinking about what she wants to say in response.
Although I’m going to forgo explaining the power behind certain psychology principles embedded in the next part of the example (where you go on to use a combination of praise and what’s known as “planting a seed” and transitioning), I will mention that the sentence I’m referencing is structured in a way that makes it almost impossible to resist feeling some kind of emotional resonance/validation to. To clarify, you’re saying that there are aspects to this idea (as opposed to saying the idea which would imply the whole idea, something which she currently is rejecting) which would be mildly intriguing (a less objectionable phrase then simply saying enjoyable which she would argue) to a part of her, somewhere deep inside (as opposed to saying she which would imply the whole of her in the identity sense).
The idea of being a bit adventurous and exploring something, which has some admittedly universal intriguing aspects to it (you’d have to be asexual to disagree with this as it relates to our example), all with the person you love, in ways that test the waters without having to jump into them….isn’t that something almost everyone in the world would find perhaps a bit exciting and pleasurable about relationships? Furthermore, doing so is a fundamentally emotional experience, and communicating about an idea in this kind of way has a much better chance of not being rejected than by listing all the “reasons” why someone might or should enjoy this. To clarify, you’re not listing anything here; on the contrary, you’re talking about all this in a way where all the reasons and benefits one would enjoy are already presupposed. That gets into utilizing the concept of presuppositions, which is one of the most powerful psychology principles there is when it comes to influence. The psychology and linguistics behind presuppositions are complex, but here’s a quick straightforward example that will hopefully shed some light on what I mean.
If you tell someone to imagine how pleasurable it is to go out to a fantastic restaurant with amazing food, and then ask them if the food they’re eating in their imagination is French, and they say no, notice that in order to tell you the food isn’t French, they’ve implicitly accepted the presupposition that going out to a fantastic restaurant with amazing food is pleasurable. This is just one of the many ways you can use presuppositions to get someone’s implicit agreement about something.
This comes in handy when discussing certain taboo or easily objectionable topics (*cough* cuckolding *cough*) which do have some universally appealing aspects but which people aren’t yet comfortable (or aware) that they could and would enjoy. Using presuppositions allows you to discuss these types of ideas in a way where the socially conditioned objections and aversive feelings most women have to such topics can be redirected onto other “non-essential” aspects of the ideas.
8) Have you ever declined your services to any prospective clients due an assessment made on their relationship status, them not being in the right state of mind, or any other reason? What are some universal factors that help you determine a relationship can successfully explore cuckoldry or if it cannot do so? What is your success rate in helping your clients achieve the result they seek?
While I reserve the right to decline services to any prospective clients for any reason (including the ones you mentioned), I have not yet exercised that right because the situation hasn’t presented itself. To be clear though, I have had a few situations where people in self-described unstable relationship situations reach out asking for assistance in making their fantasy happen in order to “spice up” or “fix” their relationships. In the course of our correspondence/chatting, I attempt to impart to them the danger and risk they would be incurring if they were to embark on the road of trying to make their fantasy happen without a solid foundation. At that point, one of three outcomes will happen:
1) The prospective client will enlist my help in “rebuilding/fixing” his relationship and strengthening his intimacy bond first with his female partner before looking to make his fantasy happen.
2) The prospective client will realize that his relationship foundation wouldn’t allow for a healthy and fulfilling exploration of his fantasy so he decides to put the idea on hold or give it up.
3) The prospective client drops off and I don’t hear from him anymore.
Regarding if there are any universal factors that help me determine whether or not a relationship can successfully explore cuckolding, if we define success as a man being able to get his female partner on board and the two of them being able to explore this fantasy in a mutually fulfilling way, the single-most important factor contributing to that success in my experience would be the strength of their intimacy bond.
An intimacy bond is the sum total of how many and what type of intimacy connections a couple has made together the last several months along with the frequency and quality of the emotional and sexual connections they make with one another on a daily basis. Intimacy connections are fun or pleasurable shared experiences a couple has which results in the couple feeling happier and more connected or bonded with each other; emotional connections are meaningful, open verbal and non-verbal exchanges/interactions between two partners that result in them feeling closer, more open to, and more connected with each other; sexual connections are self-explanatory.
It’s also worth mentioning that many men think they already have solid intimacy bonds with their wives. And to a certain extent, many times this is true. BUT…the level of the intimacy bond they have is not enough or not at the level which the wife needs it to be in order for her to be willing to explore a cuckolding fantasy in reality.
So overall, generally speaking, the quality of a wife’s intimacy bond with her husband can make or break her willingness to explore this fantasy in reality with her husband, and can make or break their success in being able to do it in a healthy fulfilling way with minimal risk to their relationship with each other.
9) Why do you suppose some men are highly territorial of their female partners and others want to see their partners with other men?
A man being highly territorial or possessive of his female partner has to do with the roles “paternity uncertainty” (the fact that a man cannot be absolutely certain that a child is his unless he is completely confident that his mate has been faithful) and fear of being left for another male play in his biological wiring. A quick digression though: there isn’t anything inherently bad or aversive about emotional or sexual infidelity. Rather, it is what that infidelity means which we fear or have an aversion to.
To clarify, if your female partner sleeps with someone else, that’s seen as a “bad” thing if you think it either: a) indicates your female partner is dissatisfied with you and may leave you because someone else could satisfy her better, or b) you worry she was impregnated by someone else which means that you would be stuck with raising a child who isn’t yours. Both outcomes are negative at best or damning at worst, genetically speaking--hence our aversion and fear regarding infidelity.
Now, I believe men have a wiring inside them be/act territorial because being/acting territorial is a way to attempt to prevent any infidelity from happening. Just because a man is highly territorial of his female partner though doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a wiring inside him causing him to respond with sexual arousal at the thought or sight of his female partner having sex with someone else (for the sake of clarity, we’ll refer to this wiring as the “sperm competition” wiring and the other wiring as the “territorial wiring”). It’s just that for men who are highly territorial of their female partners, their territorial wiring is more pronounced, so to speak, than the sperm competition wiring. This may be the case for a number of reasons including but not limited to:
· Past experiences have given certain men reason to worry about the possibility/probability of female partners being unfaithful and/or leaving them
· The culture in which they were raised socially conditioned them that its appropriate or even necessary to be territorial
· They have their own psychologically rooted insecurities about women leaving them or being unfaithful to them
Men who enjoy the cuckold fantasy have been able to circumvent, overcome, or sublimate their territorial wiring in one or more ways which therefore allows them to more deeply feel or connect with the sperm competition wiring that is already inside them. In other words, when you dig down past the jealousy, fear, uncertainty, possessiveness, etc. that many men exhibit, they too on some level become aroused at the thought of their female partner having sex with another man.
Thank you, Dr. 36.